...and then she went beep beep

8:47pm: Note to Self: When you start to second-guess yourself, listen to Elephant Gun and feel it.

11:33pm: It took him 12 minutes to say this.
Ni se como responder a esto. El sabe la dinamica que pasa cuando le digo lo que pienso, pero todavia insiste en ser la persona que tiene que estar alli por mi. Ni se como intrepetirlo. Es un poco sincero pero tambien veo la insistencia en el que odio y me hace sentir vulnurable.

[2:37:03 PM] Jack Fitch: estas aqui?
[2:37:09 PM] Jack Fitch: ya recibi tu mensaje
[2:42:24 PM] Jack Fitch: sabes que podemos hablar en cualquier momento.
[2:42:56 PM] Jack Fitch: no sabía que estuviste (estas) triste or depremida or cualquier
[2:45:05 PM] Jack Fitch: pero por supuesto, podemos hablar
[2:45:58 PM] Jack Fitch: no me importa si no quieres compartir sus sentamientos, la verdad es que tu necesitas compartirlos
[2:46:34 PM] Jack Fitch: si soy ésta person con quien quieres compartir, obviamente voy a escuchar
[2:48:03 PM] Jack Fitch: tu sabes que sentio cariño por tí
[2:48:49 PM] Jack Fitch: y yo se que lo mismo pasa al reves también
[2:48:54 PM] Jack Fitch: eso es
[2:49:10 PM] Jack Fitch: estoy aqui, en cualquier tiempo en cualquier pais

12:10pm: I'm craving some Del Taco right now.

1:09am: I just made the most expensive purchase in my life, a plane ticket to Munich, Germany. I'm spending New Years in Prague!

10:05pm: I haven't cried this much or this hard since I was 12 years old. My eyes are still swollen, 36 hours later, and I look like a wreck. I thought I braced for it but it hit me harder than I thought.

10:50pm: sunny sunny sun
Today as I was driving home, I realized just how fucking gorgeous Washington state is. Last Friday I drove up the west side of Puget Sound with Jack's friends and met him in Port Townsend.

The trip home was so good. It was honestly my favorite trip home, ever. It was so wonderful. I hardly saw any of my friends, but it was so quick. Jack, Eli, and I shared a hotel room after the wedding, and Jack and I woke up early and ran 4 miles at the beach. It was fun. San Diego makes me miss home, I started to get a bit homesick for the first time since last October. Jack is leaving to Chile in South America for 4 months at the end of August, and we keep avoiding talking about it.

Bumbershoot is taking over my life, first in a good way, and now in a slowly-loosing-control way. I still love it, I work with amazing people and am getting so much insight and experience, I just wish I wasn't poor.
( San )

1:49am: So I had to work the street team in Fremont today, I met up with Tyler afterward and we went to some kickback at his friend's house and it turned into a party. Jack called me and sounded bothered when I told him I was at some random house party in Fremont with tyler, and then said he didn't feel like going to grace's toga party. the fremont party was really fun, kelsey came with. We went to kelsey's house to get some stuff and then headed down to tacoma after. From here we went to grace's toga party with hannah and rainier and it was sweet just to chill with everyone since everyone was there including marlene, charlie, and jesse so we all came home together. kelsey's crashing here. Dave and Amo asked where my "boy toy" was and then proceeded to blame me for him not hanging out with them that often. buttfuckers; he hardly hangs out with me. I hope rainier breaks up with his stupid boyfriend soon. i'm excited to go back to fremont tomorrow, even though I have to be tehre in like 7 hours. ugh. its ok, just three more days and we fly down.

12:58am: I dont know anything about this, but I'm ok with it.

4:21pm: I don't know if it was the of smell cigarette smoke masked by cologne or if it was the scent of alcohol on his breath, but something about that brief encounter made me realize just how much I've grown in the last 4 years.

6:23pm: My parents are driving up my car.
I texted my dad to give me an update on where they were and I get this text:

"We r in weed, rollin' a doobie!"
-Dad
04/16/2009
06:14:44 PM

1:05am: House of Cards
Sometimes I wonder what its like to look into our house. I wonder if you can see all the mysterious interaction that happens in here when you see through our huge windows that we never bother to close the blinds to. Is it like a peep hole, or is our entire life on display?

I'm on the inside and I still don't get it, but I like it a lot. I'm surprised at how much emotion has been coerced from the interactions in this house. Tomorrow I feel like I should get drunk during conversation hour. Why not?

I got the internship position. I was so fucking stoked. I got the internship position. I am so fucking stoked. I'll working for One Reel to help put on Bumbershoot this summer. It's 20 hours a week until May, and then 40 hours all summer, and it starts in a week. This means I'll be having to quit work down to 3.5 hours a week, and take on a 20 hour unpaid position in downtown Seattle, the pioneer district of downtown Seattle actually. Oh god, I'm so fucking stoked.

I will be dreading the commute from our house in Tacoma to the offices in Pioneer Square. I'm so excited though, that I don't really mind. Plus, I'm getting a new car! I can go home and get it during spring break, or my mom will drive it up during her spring break. It'll probably be the latter as I start the internship during my spring break.

If all goes according to plan, Hannah and I will be joining Jack and the rest of the crew guys in a cabin in the Olympic mountains to go hike around in during the last weekend of spring break. This weekend Jack and I were sitting on my bed, facing the door so we could see all the drunk swimmers playing beer pong with Chris at our house walk by. I have a Japanese curtain hanging from the door so you can't see in, but we could see out because it was brighter than it was in my room, and we saw this guy and this girl have a make out session right outside my room. We yelled at them to move, because we felt like creeps, but they didn't hear us, partially due to their drunkness and their intensive focus on the moment. We laughed about it late into the morning. Rainier and I drank a lot of wine at sigma chi Saturday night, and then drove to pick up Hannah from the airport on Sunday. We had Chipotle and it made my stomach hurt, so I probably shouldn't be drinking a lot. I'm stressed as fuck right now, but I feel at peace.

1:12am: oh, fuck me
Bianca says (12:40 AM):
my mom called me to tell me that tickets were $59 for spring break and i told her i didnt know what i'd do at home
Bianca says (12:41 AM):
and she said "visit maybe?"
Bianca says (12:42 AM):
plus she sent me an email that said she hopes i get the internship, but if i dont i should apply for some in the valley
Bianca says (12:42 AM):
but i dont want to, and i told her that
Bianca says (12:42 AM):
and i feel bad
Bianca says (12:42 AM):
because i'm being selfish, ya know
andres says (12:42 AM):
yup
andres says (12:42 AM):
I get that
Bianca says (12:42 AM):
get that i'm being selfish?
andres says (12:43 AM):
mmhmmm
andres says (12:43 AM):
but I can kinda see why you don't want to go
Bianca says (12:45 AM):
ugh
Bianca says (12:45 AM):
fuck
andres says (12:45 AM):
yes
andres says (12:45 AM):
just flip a coin
andres says (12:46 AM):
until it lands on the side that tells you to visit home for a few days

10:58pm: or does he?

1:20am: I'm coming home from my hardest year
I'm coming home to the lights and buzz
Streets look the same, still nothing's as it was
This place is paradise I'm sure, here's my reservation
I've gotten lost here once before
Inside a good vibration

It's Christmas in California
And it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time
But I'll take a west coast winter to remove my splinters

It's good to be alive.
It's good to be alive.

My birthday is in 17 days! I feel old, I'm going to be 21. I told my grandma this, and she said "Ay no sweetheart, wait until you're 79. You have the whole world ahead of you." Then I felt bad, haha because I didn't even think about it. I'm so selfish sometimes.

11:59pm: Ratatat is the soundtrack to life
I think i'm in love. It's the terrible, gut wrenching, heart aching kind. I'm way too emotional. I take things too seriously, allow myself to believe too much. Life doesn't wait. I need to do something. Maybe its lust.

12:30pm: Jetsetting
I am now the proud owner of a plane ticket from Seattle to San Diego that leaves tomorrow morning. I'm homeward bound.

11:22pm: living with the living
The weather here is getting cold. We're down in the 30's already and I have the worst sinus cold. I get cold and turn on the heater, but this house is rickety and you can hear it stutter and shake when it goes. Jack is from Alaska but I'm from the desert, so our levels of cold tolerance are way different.
Mom sent me my food allowance yesterday, but I got sick today and haven’t gone out to get food. I've spent the entire day in bed, sleeping and watching movies. I'm on the Sudafed that Chris went and bought for me and thus my thinking is slow. I'm going to sleep some more.

12:13am: Alchemy
First week of school is over and I'm done with the weekend. The house is moved in and the fung shui flows to make it more comfortable in here. This weekend was warmer and way fun getting back into the swing of things. We were able to wear shorts with sweaters even tho we ended up at sigma chi; I had fun. I've been trying to let go of the summer and get back into school, but its going slower than I'd hoped - I'm already behind on my reading, haha. Today I talked to Rosalia for like 3 hours catching up on everything and that was good. My sister is going to come visit in November and I'm really excited. The new house is really good and I like the housemates. Jack, Chris and I are in the same spanish class so we've been doing our homework together.

Today I cooked for the first time. I was so proud of myself!!! I made tofu stir fry and it was DELISH! Granted, Jack helped me by adding a bunch of spices and sauces to the veggies and made the peanut sauce, but still there was something satisfying about eating the meal that I made for myself. Groceries are expensive tho! I thought I was gonna be able to save my food money and buy those amazing boots that I want, but no, I'll actually have to buy food...hrmph. :)

10:28pm: Update:
I've been done with school and finals for 3 weeks now, and spent 2 of those weeks couch surfing staying at a different friend's house since the lease on my studio ended. I spent 5 days at micah's cabin in the cascades with a bunch of other people and an absurd variety of drugs. Everything from weed and opium, to shrooms and ecstasy and acid. INSANE. I was the youngest person there, and so naive. I went to one day of Sasquatch and saw so many artists. I'm on a Yeasayer high right now, listen to "2080". Ghostland Observatory's show was my favorite, but The Flaming Lips were way fun. Those two weeks were amazing, amazing, amazing! Ive been home for a few days and I'm too lazy to unpack. I dont want to get a job because its too hot. Today I watched tv for 4 hours, wtf?


pictures

7:32pm: My interview for KUPS with Ace Enders

I'm backstage at the Showbox Sodo in Seattle, Washington with Ace Enders of Ace Enders and A Million Different People, formerly lead singer to I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Business and The Early November. Opening for Angels and Airwaves, Meg & Dia, and The Color Fred, Ace has a few hours before he goes on-stage but thanksfully has a few minutes to meet with me. We head up through an erie green carpet covered hallway to the band's dressing room where someone, assumingly his wife, sits on a couch at the end of the room on her laptop. The dressing room has a fridge, a table with a plate, and two chairs where we take a seat.

( transcribed )

12:00am: "Jiggle Yer Bidiggle All Over Tha Place"
So Molly and I had our first radio show today. Yay. I'm a dj. Its 7-8am every Thursday. MEGA EARLY. I know. ugh, but it was tons of fun today. Now that we've at least learned how to use the main equipment, it'll be much more fun.

www.kups.net



( B&M's Radio Show Setlist/Playlist/Lovelist 2/14/08 Valentines Day )

1:08pm: Flight # 483 - SAN to SEA
"Hold up there, twenty year old" -Scott Shepard

Bianca: The pengiun's looking over us.
Rainier: mrrghh mrrghh mrrghh
Bianca: is that what penguins sound like?
Rainier: yes.

Friday night I didn't do much, until Rainier called me aroudn 11 and I went over to Sigma Chi. Heidi was doing sorority stuff so she couldnt go into the frat house until rush was over, so she called me when she was outside. I went out and she was there with a cake and twenty candles. It was amazing. And then Charlie wanted to go to a party, so we walked to this birthday party, and we all had our cell phones out, and Charlie's phone switched to midnight first, so he gave me a hug first and was like "I'm the first one to give you a birthday hug!" and then everyone else gave me a hug. Then Katherine and Michael Trull called me. They dropped me off, and I fell asleep.

( birrrthday girl )

"Don't stay so close to me, he's going to think we're dating" -Rainier

4:02am: i'm bored.
fuuuuck. its 4am, I cant sleep. My REM cycle is all outta wack. I have nothing to do allll day. I sleep in until like 2 then complain because I cant fall asleep. I want to go back already. I miss it. Today Mitzi, Xochitl, and I spent like 2 hours at the landing strip trying to find an empty box via xochitl's iphone. My birthday is in 17 days and 14 hours. Get ready for the best 20th birthday party everrr.

4:58pm: i miss my car.
it's been a terrible two days. if i was at home, a night at the landing strip would be the perfect thing. i'm so glad my mom's coming to visit tomorrow.

1:21am: i'm excited for my road trip.
and i'm excited for brand new tomorrow.
and i'm excited that my mom is coming to visit.
i'm so ready for a quad thanksgiving at kelseys.
i'm glad i'm not going home for thanksgiving.
i'm excited to fly into el centro again.

i'm sad i dont have my car with me....AGAIN.
i'm worried about the US and Iran.
and iran's treaty with Russia.
and kups is a lot of fun to listen to. www.kups.net